This week I’ve only written one post, which is so few for me now, but I’ve been nervously fumbling over my presentation for Saturday. Last night I laid all my lolita out on the couch to try and put together some kind of outfit that I haven’t worn 1000 times recently and that would be a different kind of variety in the fashion show. I was up until about 1am putting all of my clothing together and being like “ugh I’ve worn that blouse three times” “I wore that last meet, I wore that meet before last”.
My mate Jayde was like “why are you stressing so much?? It’s only a small local convention and nobody in the comm is going to judge you if you wear the same thing.” But it’s not really about people at the convention judging me, or anyone else in my community judging me it’s about my own personal feelings. I really want to do a good job and promote lolita fashion well, as well giving the audience at the convention a good show. I don’t think just because it’s a small local convention that I have to do a slapdash job, I want the people who come to that small panel to come out thinking “wow that was interesting and great!”
At uni I was the kind of person who constantly at the library, reading or trying to make sure that my essays were done before the deadlines. I think at the time I felt completely out of touch with my body the direction of my life, my money…everything really. My uni work was something I could control so I controlled it militantly. Plus, when I was much younger I also felt like being smart was kind of all I had. I never felt pretty and even though I thought I was great and interesting nobody around me seemed to. I got good grades and that made my parents happy and in turn made me happy because I just wanted some approval. So it was natural that academia would probably be my outlet for frustrations. I feel much better now, but some of that lingers on. Maybe I’ll talk about it more sometime. Right now my chest is tight and my throat hurts, so I’m going to try and drown myself in scalding hot tea.